The Dashing Chronicles: Year in Review
- Winston McLean | January 24, 2016
John L.: The year 2015 marked a turning point for many in First Nations country. Here to dazzle and astound us with his predictions for 2016 is the columnist voted to “Most Likely To”, Eagle Feather News’ own, the astonishing Dirk “Yikes” Dashing.
[Dear readers: There are several things wrong with that sentence, but that’s what it says on the card he makes me read in these conversations.]
Dirk: Thank you John. For your average Johnny One River, 2016 promises to be a year of renewal, rejuvenation and, well, promise.
John L.: Good point, Dirk. It appears things are looking better for Aboriginal people in 2016. We have the report from the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples, movement on the Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women file, and of course the defeat of Stephen Harpers’ Conservatives with the election of Justin Trudeau.
Dirk: And, at the top of everyone’s minds that I have read is the burning question: What will Stephen Harper’s battle hair do now, now that the offers from Chatelaine, GQ and MAD magazines has been withdrawn? I worry for that signature hairstyle, John, I really do.
John L.: So let’s begin with the report on the residential schools. What can First Nation people expect?
Dirk: Haven’t a clue, John. All I know is 2016 will be a fantastic year for the Dirkster. And John, isn’t that what really matters? What does 2016 hold in store for the audacious and mildly interesting Dirk Dashing?
John L.: Oh god, here we go. Alright, Dirk, what’s coming up for you?
Dirk: Excellent question, John. You see it all began when I was born…
[Four hours pass while Eagle Feather News owner is regaled with Dirk’s captivating and deeply personal tale of daring, tragedy, comedy and profound insight. John is gently snoring, a trace of spit oozing down his chin as he slumps in his Millennium Falcon executive chair with matching Star Wars blankie.]
Dirk: …which brings us to the tail end of 2014, when I almost became an ex-Dirk. Yes, John, I was damn near a gonner.
John L.: But I don’t want to go to school today, daddy. Wait! What? Oh! Thank you for your valuable contribution this month, Dirk. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been Dirk Dashing, the most dangerous columnist for Eagle Feather News!
Dirk: I’m not done.
John L.: Really? That’s a pity. I mean, please continue Dirk. This is spellbinding stuff.
Dirk: I know, right? So yeah, 2014. Damn near didn’t get out of it alive. Since then I devoted myself to being an even more dazzling inspiration for my family and loved ones.
John L.: Family and loved ones? Aren’t your family and loved ones the same thing, Dirk?
Dirk: Sure, in a very real and technical sense, I suppose this is true. In fact, what I’ve noticed over the years is that I became highly tolerant of – what are the word people been using? Yes, parents and siblings.
John L.: So you became tolerant of your family?
Dirk: Yeah, why not? They seemed mostly harmless. And you know what, John? Somehow tiny beings seemingly sprouted around me too. Out of nowhere, John! Although always underfoot, I found myself becoming rather fond of them as time marched on. Odd how that happens, right? I believe they’re called, “children.”
John L.: You’re an odd man, Dirk. But once again we got off track.
Dirk: Right. So, some pretty amazing things transpired in 2015 that are now starting to bear fruit. And by “bear” I mean the verb, not the noun, John. As in, “Dirk was forced to bear the stunning and ever present admiration of the crowd even as his sock rolled half-way off inside his shoe.” That bear, John, not the animal.
John L.: Thanks for the clarification.
Dirk: Now to the point: some pretty cool things are about to unfold for the Dirkster in 2016, so stay tuned.
John L.: I got this strange and yet all too familiar feeling this has been pointless, and I am a little worried that I am getting used to these conversations. Thanks again, Dirk. Best of luck to you in 2016.
Dirk: Thanks John. You were pleasured to have me here.
Dirk says, “What do they use to ship Styrofoam?”