The Dashing Chronicles: Dirk's Annual Predictions for 2014
- Winston McLean | January 28, 2014
Like many of you I am not surprised when my predictions for a new year are proven correct. And much like a Member of Parliament who has stumbled over the truth, I quickly pick myself up and hustle down the street as if nothing had happened.
This year instead of dreary political forecasts for 2014 I will cast my net wider and venture into areas I know little to nothing about. In other words, nothing new.
The Year of the Snake
We start with the Chinese Zodiac. According to the ancient Chinese astrologer, Warren "Golden Rod" Goulding, 2014 is the Year of the Snake.
Apparently, anyone born this year will grow up with certain characteristics. They will be complete arses. People will laugh at them because they have a comical grasp of the English language. On the bright side, they will have rich imaginations, due in part to their fleeting and erratic acquaintance with reality.
Right about now, readers are wondering, "Well, isn't that interesting. How on earth can we verify this?"
Everyone has a ding bat somewhere in their life. Sneak a look at their birth certificate. Odds are they were born in the years 2002, 1990, 1978 and 1966 - also Years of the Snake.
I kid of course. Not all people born in the Year of the Snake will be idiots. Some of them will be worse. Some of them will come from Whitewood.
A Doomsday Prophesy
Moving on to the world of doomsday prophesies, I must take issue with Nostradamus, the famous French doomsday prophet from the 16th century.
Apparently, one of his signs of the apocalypse is that the Poles will melt, and many scientist types today seem to be in agreement. The theory goes that once the Poles melt the world will be covered in water, just like in that Kevin Costner movie, Dances With Wolves.
Is there something to the Polish diet that will cause them to combust, leaving behind vast puddles of burrito juice, which is, I am told, their national meal.
Yeah, I don't think so. The Poles I've met seem healthy enough.
Our Solar System
In an unusual planetary alignment Mars will say, "To Zeus with this, I'm going for it!" and consummate a promising but always thwarted intimate relationship with Venus.
This hook-up will trigger massive events on Earth, who only pretended to be Mars' wing-man but was in fact holding secret feelings for Venus, and was messing up Mars' game. Despite his nerdyness tendencies, Earth is a bit of jerk.
The Weather
The weather will improve in March.
Maybe April.
Scientific Revelations
The year 2014 will be the year of science. Among some of the fantastic discoveries to expect?
First, God does exist and he is American. Scientists will base this conclusion on the miraculous appearance of Gideon bibles in every hotel room across North America and the fact that every bible is written in American.
Second, the owner and editor of Eagle Feather News - one Jim Lagiderriere or something - was in fact breast fed by rainbows, sired by sunshine, mentored by daffodils, imitated by stallions.
Third, it will be confirmed that science works, not because it has a monopoly on the truth, but because it gets results. Hence the revelation about Jim above.
Cultural Developments
In the area of culture two developments are of note.
First, the federal government will launch another ill-advised employment program. The latest work for welfare program will see Indians refusing to work in government subsidized helium factories. Why? We refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
Think about it.
Helium factory? Spoken to in that tone?
The second cultural development will occur when I am informed that my column is irritating by not one person, not two people, not three people, not four people, not five people, not six people, not seven people....
That's it. Now you know what to expect in 2014.
Dirk says, "I have often been described as having a mind like a steel trap. Things wander in and get mangled."