That’s What She Said: The train wreck that is American politics

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America is on what appears to be year ten of its
current election cycle and the candidates have been reduced to Donald Trump, an
orange-skinned man with an obsession with gold (has anyone checked his birth
certificate to see if he’s a leprechaun?); Bernie Sanders, an elderly man who
dreams of taking apart the banks with his bare hands and Hillary Clinton, a
woman with the grit and determination of jealous girlfriend trying to unlock
her boyfriend’s phone.

The war between Bernie and Hillary is its own battle
unto itself. Her supporters declare that Bernie supporters are inherently misogynist.
The “Feel the Bern” supporters point to Hillary and her husband’s political
baggage, connections to Wall Street and general look of corruption. Its true
middle aged people with money just look corrupt – I think it’s the self-tanners
and comfortable shoes.

I was on the fence about this election. There was no
Obama, no witty handsome dude with a talent for speeches crammed full of so
many big words that it left this English major breathless.

So then between Bernie and Hillary – the only
important quality appeared to be who could beat Trump. But after watching the
last few months of election coverage, I’m now recommending a different quality
take the lead: blandness of personality. I’m tired of political candidates who
capture the media’s attention with grandiose gestures, nasty insults and policy
statements that appear to be written on the fly.

No, you can keep your charismatic personalities and
flashing smiles and evocative eyes. Give me the candidate who wouldn’t
recognize great oration if it punched her in the face. Give me the plodding
campaigner whose smile has a shelf-life of about fifteen annoying people. Give
me the boring smart person who feels more at home in front of a bunch of law
books than sitting on a couch next to Jimmy Kimmel.

Personality has had its day. Celebrities provide us
with portrayals of their perfect existence and try to convince us that “they
just woke up like this.” They claim to run huge corporations without giving
credit to the people doing the actual grunt work while they pick out paint colours
for the foyer. People now believe that they can do anything they want without
having do all the hard work that comes along with it.

I’ve read one of Hillary’s books and one of Trump’s. Actually
to be perfectly accurate, I read Trump’s Art of the Deal in a couple days and I
began Hillary’s book and tried over a course of two weeks to read it before
giving up.

Trump’s book was the kind of book that riled you up
and makes you think – “look at all I could do with my life if I took risks!”
But then a few hours into planning your takeover of McDonald’s you realize,
“wait, I kind of need a million dollar inheritance to get this all started.” He
does have an ability to draw you in and make you think that anything is
possible. But then if you step back and think – he’s basically acting like life
is an episode of Dallas and that there’s no such thing as legislation or
legalities or basic human rights.

Hillary’s book, Hard Choices, was the size of the
bible and about as engaging as a long sermon in a hot church. Every inch of
text was crammed full of her activities. It was like reading an insecure
employee’s report on activities. It was so long that the Hard Choice was
deciding whether to continue reading or to live a normal life.

Hillary comes off as fake which is the irony. Because
I think she is real. She’s angry and ambitious and hard working and mean and
hurt and wants to do a good job. Trump and Bernie supporters say that their
candidates are real and that’s what they love. But you know what they say – If
you can fake sincerity…

Bernie has a lot of great ideas – many of which are
shared by stoned university hipsters. Trump has a lot of ideas – most of which
are about as sane as letting a gorilla babysit your toddler. Hillary may not be
capable of grand-scale reform or transformative change but she’ll keep America running
and maybe that’s all we can ask for at this point.